I still remember that night. My hands were sweaty. My heart was racing. I was about to go on a first date with someone who made my stomach do little flips. Sound familiar?

New relationships are scary, exciting, exciting, wonderful and terrifying. All at once.

But here's what I have learned after many, many dating disasters: being your real self from day one is the secret sauce to finding love that actually lasts.

I'm not talking about being your perfect self (that person doesn't exist anyway!). I'm talking about being your honest, messy, wonderful YOU.

Let me share some simple ways to do that. These are things I wish someone had told me years ago. Trust me, they would have saved me a lot of time and tears.

1. Know Yourself First

Have you ever worn shoes that don't fit right? That's how my relationships felt for years. Something was always off.

Why? Because I didn't know who I really was.

You need to know yourself before you can share yourself with someone else.

Ask yourself these simple questions:

• What things matter most to me?

• What keeps happening in my past relationships?

• What makes me happy when I'm all alone?

After my last big breakup, I started writing down my thoughts about these questions. Wow! I learned so much! I realized I kept picking partners who didn't challenge my brain because I was too focused on feeling good.

Taking time to figure out who you are is like building the bottom of a house. You can't skip it and expect the house to stay standing!

2. Deal With Your Old Hurts First

We all carry around emotional junk from our past. It's like having a heavy backpack full of old stuff. You don't need to throw it away completely, but you do need to know what's in there!

One time, my partner was just 15 minutes late for dinner. But I got SUPER mad. Way too mad for what happened. Later, I realized I was still upset about an ex who was always late to control me.

You don't have to be perfectly healed, but you do need to know your sore spots.

Before you jump into dating:

• Maybe talk to a counselor about stuff that still hurts

• Learn what things trigger your big feelings

• Be real with yourself - are you actually ready to date again?

Working on your feelings doesn't mean you'll never get upset. It just means when old hurts pop up, you can say, "This is about my past, not about you.

3. Talk, Talk, Talk (For Real)

Ever try that super fun game where you expect your partner to guess what you're thinking, then get mad when they can't? I've played it too! Spoiler: it's not actually fun, and everyone loses.

Talking clearly is like air for your relationship. Without it, things die. From day one, try:

Just say what you need: "I need some alone time this weekend" works WAY better than "Whatever, do what you want."

Really listen: Put your phone DOWN. Look at them. Hear the words they're saying.

Share the scary stuff: Tell them your fears and hopes, even when it makes your voice shake.

I used to hide my real feelings to "protect" my relationship. But that's like not watering a plant to protect it! When I finally got brave enough to tell my partner how I really felt even about how differently we communicate we got so much closer.

4. Set Good Boundaries

Boundaries don't mean walls to keep people out. They're more like fences around a playground that keep everyone safe while you have fun

After my worst breakup ever, I tried dating again. But this time, I was honest about how much time I could spend with someone new. Instead of seeing them three times every week because I thought I "should," I said I needed more me-time.

Good boundaries might be about:

• How often you hang out

• Texting rules (like not expecting instant replies)

• How fast physical stuff happens

• Money talk

• Meeting each other's families and friends

Remember: boundaries aren't threats like "do this or else" They are more like saying "here's what I need to be happy." Share yours kindly, and listen to theirs too.

5. Don't Hide Your Faith

If faith matters to you, bring God into your relationship from the start! Faith isn't just a Sunday morning thing - it's about how you love, how you fight, and how you commit.

Talking about God early in dating isn't about finding someone who checks all the same church boxes. It's about sharing how your walk with God shapes who you are and how you love.

Try these:

• Tell your faith story without making them feel judged

• Talk about how God shapes what you think about relationships

• Make space to grow closer to God together AND separately

My partner and I go to different types of churches, but we both love Jesus. We started praying together right from the beginning. Now when hard stuff happens, we already know how to talk to God about it together.

6. Stay You

Remember that awesome person your partner first met? The one with cool hobbies and friends? Keep being THAT person!

I have made this mistake so many times. I start dating someone and slowly stop being "me." Suddenly everything is "we" and I skip my painting class or my Sunday hikes just to be with them all the time.

The things that make you special are what made them like you. Don't:

• Drop all your friends

• Quit your favorite hobbies

• Change your dreams to match theirs

The best relationships are like when you draw two circles that overlap a little in the middle. You need both the "us" part AND the "just me" part to be happy.

7. Grow and Change Together

Here's a big truth: you are always changing! The you right now isn't the same as the you in five years. The same goes for your partner.

The best relationships don't just put up with change - they LOVE it! They make room for both people to grow, sometimes in the same ways and sometimes in different ways.

I used to be so scared of change in my relationships. What if we grew apart? What if one of us changed too much? But fighting against change actually hurts relationships more!

To grow well together:

• Talk often about your goals both personal and couple goals

• Cheer each other on when learning new things

• Tell each other how you're changing and what you need

• Be ready to change some relationship rules as you both grow

Me and my partner have special dates every few months just to talk about how we are growing and what we need from each other. These talks turn what could be scary changes into chances to get even closer.

Let's Wrap This Up

Bringing your best self to a new relationship isn't about being perfect. It's about being REAL from day one. It's showing up with your whole heart and saying "this is me" - ready to love and be loved.

Here's something cool about love: When you stay your own whole person, your relationship actually gets BETTER, not worse. By knowing yourself, healing your old hurts, talking clearly, setting good boundaries, including God, staying yourself, and growing together, you make space for real love to grow.

Isn't that what we all want? Not just any relationship, but one where both people get to be amazing?

You totally deserve that kind of love. So next time you start something new with someone, take a big breath and bring your whole self. In the future you will be so glad you did.

What's one thing you find hard about being your real self in relationships? Tell me in the comments - I really want to know